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I cried after Kindergarten orientation……

It caught me off-guard, dammit!

I thought I’d be OK with this transition because Kai has been in pre-K for the last three years part time.

But the emotions washed over me and I couldn’t stop them. It’s the first time that he’ll be away from me five days a week all day, and it just seems like too much time for such a young child to be away from his mama!

I’m not sure why our brains aren’t made to understand the passage of time better, but the cliche is so true! It goes by sooooooooo fast. And it hurts. 

The emotion came and at first I resisted it, trying to talk myself out of it. Then I let it flow and I cried. Then I judged myself for crying “You have two healthy children who are growing just as they should! What do you possibly have to be sad about?”

Then I allowed myself to feel it.

I turned to my practice of acceptance. And I said to myself “I accept that he’s going to kindergarten. I accept that he is six and that he is growing up. I accept how I feel about this. I accept that I feel sad over the loss of the toddler that he used to be.”

And I pictured him around the age of two and my eyes welled up with tears again, knowing I would never see him at that stage again…. but I let it be OK to mourn the loss of this phase, because it was something extremely special to me.

I miss his imperfect words and his round belly and the long baby curls I resisted cutting off for years…. I miss that little being, and why wouldn’t I? I lived and breathed to care for him day and night….  

I let the feelings flow and watched my reactions…. no longer fighting but allowing.

And a little bit later, without realizing it, I took a deep breath and on the exhale I felt happy again.

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