April10
"One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say." - Bryant McGill
Just the other day, my husband Shaun and I were super annoyed with each other.
It was a snow day. We agreed that I would take Kai for a snowboarding lesson. He just started learning this year, and it was the perfect day for him to practice his new skills.
No one would be on the mountain, and there was beautiful new fluffy snow covering our corner of the earth. Shaun and I were on the same page with this plan.
But as most disagreements go, we didn't communicate thoroughly. I thought the post-lesson end of the day was loose and flexible. Shaun had work he was planning to finish once I got home and could be with both kids.
We got into a texting feud toward the end of the day, and when I arrived home later than Shaun expected, we both agreed that we didn't want to fight about it. So we let it go.
But I was still annoyed. I realized later I wasn't able to let it go. There were feelings that hadn't felt heard, so I was stewing.
I realized in that moment that if I truly wanted to be heard and understood, I needed to first listen myself and give him the opportunity to be heard and understood (even though I didn't really want to, because I was convinced I was right!)
My higher self dug deep and let Shaun talk first, and I truly listened. And I even reflected back to him what I heard him say (this is a brilliant tool for any relationship and any conflict, by the way).
He then did the same for me - he truly listened, and reflected back to me what he heard me say. And in that instant, we got back on track. We could move forward understanding each other in a new way.
When we feel heard and understood, we feel complete, connected and whole within the relationship. We give more to the relationship and remain open.
When we don't feel heard and understood, we lash out in other ways. We shut down and get defensive. We become passive aggressive. We sabotage things.
I work on this all the time..... being a better listener, and it isn't easy.
So often we are waiting to talk, because WE want to be heard, and what WE have to say is more important than what THEY have to say. Or we fail to listen well, because we are doing something else while the other is talking to us....
When we do this, we miss so much.
We miss the chance to learn from this person across from us, even if we don't agree with them. We miss the chance to grow into a new understanding within ourselves. We often miss the chance to easily resolve a situation that just needs its due attention, true attention, not half-assed I'm checking Facebook while we talk attention....
Can you imagine all the problems of the world that would be solved if we all truly and deeply listened to each other?
For starters, all of the apres snowboarding days would be full of bliss and joy ;)
And on the bigger matters of life, there would be more compassion and collaboration, more working together to solve problems, understanding each other as fellow human beings on this crazy planet earth, rather than butting heads, struggling for power and digging in our heals.
It doesn't mean we have to agree, but if we all felt truly and deeply heard, there would be magic!
So I invite you to listen, even 5% more, and see what shifts! Big change happens in small moments.....
I always love to hear your thoughts, so please share in the comments below!
With my love,
It was a snow day. We agreed that I would take Kai for a snowboarding lesson. He just started learning this year, and it was the perfect day for him to practice his new skills.
No one would be on the mountain, and there was beautiful new fluffy snow covering our corner of the earth. Shaun and I were on the same page with this plan.
But as most disagreements go, we didn't communicate thoroughly. I thought the post-lesson end of the day was loose and flexible. Shaun had work he was planning to finish once I got home and could be with both kids.
We got into a texting feud toward the end of the day, and when I arrived home later than Shaun expected, we both agreed that we didn't want to fight about it. So we let it go.
But I was still annoyed. I realized later I wasn't able to let it go. There were feelings that hadn't felt heard, so I was stewing.
I realized in that moment that if I truly wanted to be heard and understood, I needed to first listen myself and give him the opportunity to be heard and understood (even though I didn't really want to, because I was convinced I was right!)
My higher self dug deep and let Shaun talk first, and I truly listened. And I even reflected back to him what I heard him say (this is a brilliant tool for any relationship and any conflict, by the way).
He then did the same for me - he truly listened, and reflected back to me what he heard me say. And in that instant, we got back on track. We could move forward understanding each other in a new way.
One of the key human needs in relationships is to be heard and deeply understood.
When we feel heard and understood, we feel complete, connected and whole within the relationship. We give more to the relationship and remain open.
When we don't feel heard and understood, we lash out in other ways. We shut down and get defensive. We become passive aggressive. We sabotage things.
I work on this all the time..... being a better listener, and it isn't easy.
So often we are waiting to talk, because WE want to be heard, and what WE have to say is more important than what THEY have to say. Or we fail to listen well, because we are doing something else while the other is talking to us....
When we do this, we miss so much.
We miss the chance to learn from this person across from us, even if we don't agree with them. We miss the chance to grow into a new understanding within ourselves. We often miss the chance to easily resolve a situation that just needs its due attention, true attention, not half-assed I'm checking Facebook while we talk attention....
Can you imagine all the problems of the world that would be solved if we all truly and deeply listened to each other?
For starters, all of the apres snowboarding days would be full of bliss and joy ;)
And on the bigger matters of life, there would be more compassion and collaboration, more working together to solve problems, understanding each other as fellow human beings on this crazy planet earth, rather than butting heads, struggling for power and digging in our heals.
It doesn't mean we have to agree, but if we all felt truly and deeply heard, there would be magic!
So I invite you to listen, even 5% more, and see what shifts! Big change happens in small moments.....
I always love to hear your thoughts, so please share in the comments below!
With my love,
Comments (7)
Allison,
Thank you for revealing this moment, as Kate and Joel tell me when my button is pushed,
its usually 80% me and 20% my partner. When I sit with myself and can share my discoveries,
my partner can begin to understand my world, I find that practicing this over the many years
has paid of and has made us better for it.
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